


The Fucking Bathroom

by CosmicalSansation, kazurom14



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:21:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4259682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmicalSansation/pseuds/CosmicalSansation, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kazurom14/pseuds/kazurom14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat works at Burger King, Dave is dragged there by Rose. A whole bunch of dumb shit happens then smexy times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fucking Bathroom

**Author's Note:**

> I am so so so sorry. Sage and I were goofing off one day and decided to write this. (Weeell, I decided to write this but he co-wrote so he's to blame too.) This switches back and forth between Karkat and Dave except for the end which is Terezi's POV. Constructive criticism is welcome!

So, my day did NOT start out as well I as fucking hoped. As of right now, my life is currently swimming in human fecal matter located inside a strange human contraption called a fucking toilet. That’s right, not a normal toilet, A FUCKING TOILET!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKASSES I’VE SEEN FUCK ON TOP OF THESE GOD FORSAKEN THINGS?! FUCKING KILL ME NOW!!!! I AM LAYING ON THE SHIT TILE IN THE EATING AREA OF MY UNFORTUNATE PLACE OF WORK HOLDING ON TO A FUCKING MOP AND HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS RIGHT NOW!!! I HATE THIS PLACE!!! ON TOP OF THAT THEY ARE CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE OF MY FEAR OF BUCKETS!!!! Technically, it’s not a fear fore say but more of a perversion really, but it’s the only way I can explain ANYTHING TO THESE DUMBASSES!!! I have had various people ask me if I’m “alright” including my manager. At this point, I wonder why they keep me here? I feel they have lost hope like me. No matter how many times I respond to the question with loud screeching, they still ask. Humans have no respect for privacy. As I lay here, I sense a familiar set of footsteps. I look up from my self-loathing to see….MOM? wait, no. That’s Kanaya, same thing. She has a look of worry on her face then she sees the bucket. She then proceeds to kick launch it out the door. I think she hit someone with it. (Later found out it’s Gamzee.) Her look then turns pitiful, which is understandable but I FUCKING LOATHE IT!!! I lift myself off the floor and glare at her. Her expression is not fazed. Damn her.

“Honestly Karkat Laying On The Floor. That Was Disgraceful”

“SHUT UP! I WAS JUST BASKING IN THE STUPIDITY POOL THAT IS THE HUMAN RACE!” Kanaya just rolled her eyes. It seems like she doesn’t believe me but she never does when it comes to these kind of things. “Karkat What Was The Point of Laying There And Sobbing Your Eyes Out?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WAS NOT “SOBBING MY EYES OUT”! WHAT REALITY DO YOU LIVE IN WHERE I “CRY MY EYES OUT’?”

“This One. Aren’t You Supposed To Be Working? Oh Sorry Cleaning?”

“WELL I CAN’T NOW, YOU JUST HURLED THE FUCKING BUCKET *blush* OUT THE FUCKING DOOR LIKE IT WAS ON FUCKING FIRE!”

“Well It Was Very Indecent.”

“YEAH! THAT’S WHY I WASN’T CLEANING AND WAS INSTEAD CRYING MY EYES OUT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!”

“I Thought You Said You Weren’t Doing That.”

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME! NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME, MARYAM! I’M TRYING TO GET FIRED! SOLLUX WON’T LET ME QUIT! HE SAYS WE NEED MONEY FOR RENT BECAUSE I JUST HAD TO MOVE IN WITH HIM!”

“How Does Getting Fired Help You? Shouldn’t You Just Look For Another Job And Then Quit Or Just Proceed To Get Yourself Fired As You See Fit?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT! I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”

* * *

 

Alright, so, walk up in the club like-hold up. This is not a club and apparently there is a guy having a fucking meltdown in the middle of the food court. Oh shit, I think he works there. Oh shit, I think he’s cute. Oh shit, why does he look familiar. Oh fuck. Oh fuck no. Is that- oh fuck me. I did not need this. I just came to get my Big Mac and get my munch on and now I gotta deal with Karkat Vantas and his bullshit. And on top of that bullshit, he somehow managed to make himself attractive? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Man, if I didn’t have Lalonde standing over my shoulder, I would bail the fuck out but she insists upon eaten in this bitch. I feel like it cuz she saw her lesbian lover in the goddamn window. This bitch got me fucked up. She’s lucky she’s my sister or I’d be bailing like a felon straight out the fucking slammer. Be all hyped and fuck. Ah man I cannot even. Not even Harley can help. I’m stuck in this bitch like a fly in a motherfucking glue trap. I’m entrenched in this bitch. When the fuck did I get to nam? I don’t remember buying that ticket. I didn’t sign up for some damn resort. THIS IS TOTAL BULL! (And not that Tavros asshole either.) Fuck.

“Hurry up, Dave. I’m hungry and you’re wasting time.”

“the only thing youre hungry for is that vampire bitch”

“Her name is Kanaya.”

“i know i dont care not my girlfriend not my problem”

“That’s because you’re gay as fuck.”

“says the lesbian”

“I guess it runs in the family. Anyway, let’s eat.” I suppose I’ll follow this bitch into the eating establishment with the new and improved Karkat (Well, mostly new, he’s still the loud mouth I remember….god fucking hate it) screaming about buckets…again. Seriously? What is his deal with that? I’m hoping to pass them with no incident but seeing as my sister has a serious lesbian hankering for the female vampire troll, that’s not gonna happen. Suddenly, I remember my bro’s teaching, if you call them that. It was more like torture but he was the hella cool bro and was for ironic purposes, I hope. I’m gonna flashstep the shit out of this. I don’t really care that I never really mastered this. I mean I got some of it down when my bro tried to throw me and I ended up on the back of him. I GOT THIS! I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING—FUCK! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! SOMEHOW, I MANAGED TO LAND STRAIGHT ON TOP OF GUESS FUCKING WHO? KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS! IT LOOKED LIKE I JUMPED HIS ASS AND COULDN’T WAIT TO GET SOME! THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I FUCKING WANTED! CONGRATS LEGS, YOU ARE BOTH PIECES OF SHIT! SUDDENLY I’M ENVIOUS OF TAVROS! I think Hell just froze over. And it’s my own personal one. ANYWAY KILL ME! IT LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA TAKE HIM RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! I CAME IN LIKE A WREAKING BALLLLL! I REGRET EVERYTHING! LALONDE STOP LAUGHING!

“I will once you get off of him.”

“shit said that out loud i was having an internal monologue shut up”

“It was not internal at all. We heard everything. So, Karkat, how’re you doing?”

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME, STRIDER!”

“More Like Stradler.” FUCK OFF VAMPIRE TROLL!

* * *

 

I was in the middle of ranting when a fucking blur of red flew across the room and pile drove me. Once I get my fucking bearing and hear an obnoxious voice singing “I CAME IN LIKE A WREAKING BALLLLL” I knew which douchass that was. DAVE FUCKING STRIDER! I haven’t seen this asshole in two sweeps. AND SUDDENLY HE DECIDES TO COME POUNCING BACK IN MY LIFE LIKE A FUCKING LEIJON! Why does this shit not surprise me? Maybe THIS will get me fired! NOPE BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE SAYS FUCK YOU KARKAT! WE ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE YOUR MANAGER COME OUT BUSTING HER BALLS OFF LAUGHING! GOOD FUCKING LUCK, VANTAS! THUS ENTERS PYROPE AND THE END OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! WILL SOMEONE GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT OFF OF ME AND GIVE MY SICKLES! I’M GONNA FILLET THIS BITCH! AND BY THIS BITCH I MEAN MYSELF! THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME! WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME LIVING?

“SO W3 H4V3 4 SOURC3 OF 3NT3RT41NM3NT.”

“FUCK OFF, PYROPE! WAIT, YOU CAN’T READ MY MIND! YOU’RE NOT SPIDER BITCH!”

“NO BUT YOU DO T4LK V3RY LOUDLY.”

“I WASN’T TALKING OUT LOUD!”

“Actually You Were Karkat. It Was Quite Embarrassing Since The Whole Restaurant Is Now Staring At All Of Us. Mostly Due To You And Strider (Stradler)”

“FUCK! EVERYTHING!” Fuck it. I just shove Stradler-fuck-Strider off of me.

“AM I FIRED NOW? TEREZI PLEASE GIVE ME THE SATISFACTION OF BEING PERMANENTLY DISMISSED!”

“NOP3.”

“*FUCK*”

“wait you wanna get fired why man”

“SHUT THE EVER LOVING HELL UP! I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU EVER FUCKING AGAIN! PLEASE STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RIGHTEOUSLY HORRENDOUS LIFE OF MINE!”

“That is the weirdest couple ever.” I turn to see who the fuck would even to find a Dave look-a-like with shitty anime glasses and sipping what looks to be Orange Crush. Dave is losing his shit. Almost literally. DAVE I SWEAR TO JEGUS I AM NOT GOING TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR ASS. LITERALLY! Who the fuck even is that douchbag? Wait-WHY THE FUCK DOES HE THINK DAVE IS MY MATESPRIT? ALL HELL IS ABOUT TO BUST OPEN FROM A SICK DISGUSTING ORIFICE ON THE ASSHOLE OF LIFE! IN OTHER WORDS, SHITS ABOUT TO GO…DOWN! WHOA hold up. Is that John? Wait, no, what’s up that accent? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHY DO YOU ALL LOOK LIKE MY OLD FRIENDS? WHAT’S NEXT ANOTHER RO- OH WHELP! I’M OUT! NO MORE! I’M DONE. My means of escape were ruined by real-Dave who grabbed my arm before I could take two measly steps away from his presence.

* * *

 

Ah man. To my demise my older bro’s here with his boyfriend and our other sister. This is it. This is the end. I knew it. I knew the end was near just not THIS near. I was hoping to be able to prepare for this ass kicking fiesta but the UNIVERSE SAID FUCK YOU STRIDER! HERE’S YOUR BRO WHO’S COME FROM THE HEAVENLY SKIES ABOVE TO DELIVER THE RADDEST ASSKICKING KNOWN TO MANKIND! GOOD THING YOU WROTE YOUR VOWS. THE VOWS TO YOUR DEATH! NICE KNOWING YOU! SEE YOU NEVER! THAT’S IT! MY BODY IS READY! JUST END IT NOW!

“Bro, calm your tits. You have officially lost your shit. And not ironically. You have a 50% chance of being the biggest tool of all mankind. In about 5 seconds. I think you should stop while you’re ahead.” My body suddenly feels weird. Whoa, body moving on its own. The fuck? My body turns to towards Karkat. My arms grab his uniform shirt and pulls him to me. Next thing I know, we are macking hard. Don’t know why, don’t know how but you don’t see me complaining. “See. Told you.” Thanks, bro. Good heads up. I get control again and a good smack in the face by Karkat and then Kanaya and then Terezi and last but most painfully so, Rose. The fuck?

“that was not my fault”

“Yes It Was. We Saw You Do It.”

“i was so not in control of my own body”

“COULD 1T B3 4 C4S3 OF 4 W1LD VR1SK4? 1 TH1NK YOUR3 LY1NG!”

“why would i lie about that”

“Dave, It’s Blatantly Obvious You Have The “Hots” For Him.”

“I mean you did practically pounce on his dick, so…”

“no man i was just trying to flashstep away from this bitch did you guys not hear my monologue cuz that was in there and even if it was my intention why did all of you smack me”

“Because It Was An Unwarranted Solicitation On My Moirail.”

“Kanaya did so I thought I should join in.”

“1 D1D 1T B3C4US3 1 W4NT3D TO JO1N 1N ON TH3 D4V3 SL4PP1NG P4RTY!”

“you bitch”

“Which One?”

“all of you but more specifically terezi”

“4CTU4LLY 1 DO B3L13V3 1T W4S VR1SK4 1 JUST W4NT3D SOM3TH1NG 3NT3RT41N1NG!”

“FUCK ALL OF YOU! NO ONE IS ON MY SIDE EXCEPT YOU KANAYA (LOVE YOU) THE OTHER TWO CAN FUCK OFF!”

“The Real Question Is Why Would Vriska Do That?”

“BECAUSE SHE IS A SPIDER DEMON WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO, I SUPPOSE!” this is really pissing me off. I did not ask for this shit but then again I never do. It just seems to be life’s plan for me, to ruin everything I hold near and dear to my blood thumper. WHY CAN’T LIFE GIVE ME A BREAK? GOD FUCK! Wait, am I doing my monologue outwards again. No I’m not. Thank god! I am so fucking done with this shit.

“any who what is her deal this was not a thing before why now”

“Fuck if I know, Bro. Fuck if I know.”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

“M4YB3 YOU W3R3 SO CLOS3 SH3 D3C1D3D TO T4K3 M4TT3RS 1NTO H3R OWN H4NDS? TH4T’S WH4T 1 WOULD DO! 4ND TRUST M3 W3R3 S1M1L4R 1N TH4T 4SP3CT.”

“HELLO, ANSWER ME!”

“But still, what is her motive for it? Does she have a shipping wall? Does she even do that sort of thing?”

“GUYS! RANDOM FUCKING PEOPLE! DON’T YOU WANNA KNOW WHO THEY ARE?”

“NO SH3 JUST L1K3S TO FUCK W1TH P3OPL3”

“GODDAMNIT PAY ATTENTION TO ME! KANAYA AT LEAST YOU ANSWER!”

“Karkat Can’t You See I’m Busy.”

“ ”

“4NYW4Y WHO 4R3 TH3S3 P3OPL3?”

“FUCK! THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW! HUH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE IS JUST AS CURIOUS AS I AM BUT ALAS THEY WILL BE ANSWERED WHEREAS THIS TRASH BAG WON’T BE!”

“karkat shut up that’s my bro”

“WHO THE FUCK? WHAT’S HIS ACTUAL NAME? YOU KNOW, A NAME OTHER THAN “BRO” BECAUSE I REFUSE TO CALL HIM “BRO” SEEING AS I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO THAT DOUCHEWAFFLE.”

“Chill out, man. Name’s Dirk.”

“LIKE THE BLADE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHO NAMED YOU ASSHATS?”

“We named each other. Dave and I named each other.”

Karkat starts doing this weird loud screeching noise. He kind of sounds like a weird crustacean that just sprung out the fucking deepest depths of the hellbent murder ocean. I feel like I should get away from him seeing as I am the biggest cause of his aneurysm. In fact, I think the entire establishment should be evacuated. Although, bro doesn’t seemed worried about it. Actually he seems unfazed but that might just be our Strad-Strider (Fucking vampire bitch got me fucked up) Charms. Anyway I should probably try to think of a cool guy way to get out of this massive shit hole.

“uh, im gonna go take a piss”

“4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU 4R3 JUST GO1NG TO P33?”

“what”

“WHAT?”

“W3LL S331NG 4S YOU JUST GOT 4 T4ST3 OF K4RK4T C4NDY D3L1COUS MOUTH, 1 F1GUR3 YOU M1GHT GO 1NTO 4 C3RT4IN ST4LL.”

“what”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, PYROPE? YOU ARE JUST GOING TO MAKE ME CLEAN THAT UP!”

“Seriously That Is Your Only Issue With That?”

“NO. BUT IT’S MY MAIN CONCERN. SEEING AS I HAVE TO USE A FUCKING BUCKET. (STOP LAUGHING TEREZI!) (N3V3R H3H3H3) NO NOT THAT WAY YOU SICK FUCKS!”

“See, now. I am getting a bit more confused with each thing that comes out of your guys’ mouths. Bro, you wanna nail the troll dude or nah.”

“THE NAME IS KARKAT!”

“The amount of fucks I give is equal to none.” I didn’t know trolls could have smoke come out of their ears.

“You mad or nah?”

“WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES WHAT FROM ME? (STR1D3R D1CK?) TEREZI SHUT THE HELL UP! WHAT WOULD GET YOU GUYS OFF MY CASE?”

“Oh, Just Fuck Him. We Are All Getting Tired Of This. Just Get It Over With.”

“SERIOUSLY? I HAVEN’T SEE THE BITCHASS IN TWO FUCKING SWEEPS AND YOU JUST WANT ME TO FUCK HIM OUT OF THE BLUE?”

“is this it is this my legacy to fulfill your erotic fanfiction needs” these authors need to get their shit together. (FIGHT US!) I’m just gonna throw caution to the wind, grab Karkat by his shirt and start pulling him fuckwards to the bathroom. This is happening. If only to get them off our backs. (That and I need the D. All the D. Ok, well, just his D.)

* * *

 

Now, I am being dragged towards the fucking toilet (not the normal one, damnit! The one I talked about earlier.) What did I do to deserve this fucking punishment? Universe, is this what you had in store for us? To fulfill some bullshit fanfiction needs? Just end this soon! I am yanked from my self-loathing and rammed into the bathroom stall’s wall. This douchecake had placed his hands near my head against the wall, blocking me in. I couldn’t read his expression due to his stoic face and mirrored shades. The only logical thing I can think to do is to screech at the top of my lungs. I begin to open my mouth to begin my horribly loud sponge clots shattering scream only to be cut off my Dave’s lips crashing into it.

“HNG!” WHAT THE FUCK? He’s actually doing this. My body froze for a good moment before I thawed and began to kiss back. This is weird. Technically, this is the first kiss I have ever participated in. It feels weird. I am ten sweeps old and this is the first time ever kissing anybody. It doesn’t seem too bad to me. I mean he’s not a bad kisser, I think. I AM NOT EXPERIENCED IN THIS!! What do I do? I peel my arms from the wall and slowly run my hands through his hair. I am terrified. He moves his hands from the wall and around my waist. “mmmhm.” I let myself sink completely into it. I could feel him relax. It was hard to tell with me also being tense and the space between our bodies was gone. Somehow, I became completely okay with the idea of sex with the Strider. And then I thought of HOW we would have sex. Wait, HOW ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX? I reiterate, I HAVE NO EXPERIENCES WITH SEXUAL THINGS!! The only close thing is my movies and that doesn’t even really count. I tensed again and Dave pulled away.

“what’s wrong”

“NOTHING. I JUST-“

“what”

“I’VE NEVER, YOU KNOW.”

“no I dont”

“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, DAVE! I DON’T ANY EXPERIENCE WITH SEX!”

“oh so youre a virgin”

“YES! AND EVEN IF I WASN’T I WOULD STILL HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH HUMANS.” (You really like the word “experience” today.) GO AWAY, AUTHORS! (Sorry.) (NO WE ARE NOT) My face is burning hotter than the irons in Vriska’s fire. I am becoming more keen on the idea of hauling ass and less keen on the idea of sex. Would you look at that! But unfortunately, Strider is blocking my path and has a hold on my waist. There is no escape. “oh well if that’s the case” He’s gonna let me go, right?

“ill teach you” FUCK. GOD DAMNIT THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED! He gives me this smug little smirk and I want to punch him in his stoic shit eating face. As far as I am concerned right now, he eats shit. Literal shit.

* * *

 

This is gonna be so fucking rad. Not only do I get to be the first human to fuck Karkat, I get to be the first person to fuck him ever, of any species! Although I will not put it out of my mind with the word fucking, otherwise he’ll rip my throat out. He is about that romantic life and using the work “fuck” would not sit well with him. It’s a one way ticket to deathville.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I EVEN WANT TO BE TAUGHT?”

“well youre still standing here”

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE BLOCKING MY PATH!”

“i dont see you trying to get out it seems like you just accepted it”

“FUCK OFF”

“nah id rather fuck you”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“you heard me” fuck. I forgot I wasn’t going to use “fuck”, damnit! Well, sorry bro, looks like Karkat is going to kill me. Forgive me, bro. I’ll see you in the heavens. Karkat’s face got redder. He began to fidget. His fingers aren’t even moving from my hair to my neck. Seems like I am not as fucked as I thought. Maybe I’m on the right track.

“WELL…”

“well what”

“DO YOU THINK…”

“do i think what” I pull one of my hands from his waist and make a circular hand motion to keep going.

“DO YOU THINK IT WILL HURT?” HUH? I forgot that trolls have this weird hentai tentacle shit and a vagina. The amount of times I walked in on Dirk or Rose alone is the reason why I know how to describe that shit accurately. I don’t have that much practice with troll genitals but I know what I’m doing.

“it might at first but you should get used to it if it hurts too much just tell me and i’ll stop” That doesn’t seem to curb his anxiety but he still seemed a little more susceptible. At least it somewhat worked. It’s an actual start compared to the other shit that has led to this. (I AM TRYING!!!) I wrap my free arm back around his waist. I rest my forehead against his.

“well if youre not that down for it we wont”

“NO! I WANT TO DO THIS!”

“you sure”

“Y-YES!” He didn’t seem so sure but I was going to take his word for it.

* * *

 

WHY THE FUCK DO I WANT TO STILL DO THIS? He straight up said it would hurt. (Even if just for a bit.) BUT STILL! My curiosity was peaked, I guess. I want to know what it feels like so bad I am willing to have Dave Strider do me. This is bad. I look into his mirrored shades and become slightly annoyed with them. I reach up to gently grab the arms and pull them slowly off his face. He didn’t stop me from removing his “ironic” shades. Hidden behind those stupid shaded glasses were vibrant red eyes. I couldn’t help stare into them. He just blinked back at me.

“anything you like or are you being creepy”

“SHUT UP! THEY ARE REALLY….UH…PRETTY.”

“you think”

“YEAH.” He closed in and we engaged in another kissing session. His hands yanked my shirt up from my pants. He pulled it up over my head and tossed it to his right, barely missing the toilet, into a corner. He went for my belt buckle and I pulled at his shirt. He got my pants undone and I pulled his shirt off before he could pull my pants down. Our lips reconnected and I could feel his skin against mine. He was warm but not sweaty. I couldn’t help but run my hands down his torso. I could feel his pulse keeper under his skin. I continued on down and traced his abs with my fingers. He was more concerned with getting my pants off. He bent a bit and pulled them to my ankles. I helped him get them off and he pulled me to the floor. I was straddling (GOD DAMNIT KANAYA!) him and then I realized he was still wearing his pants and I was just in my boxer briefs. That is totally unfair. I undo his pants and start pulling off. He lifts his abdomen so I can slide them off. I set myself back down on his lap. I kiss him as hard as I can. He returns almost eagerly. I begin to grind my hips into his. A soft moan escapes his mouth. I ground harder against him. I couldn’t stop a groan from leaving my lips. It felt way too good. Dave grabbed my hips and stopped me. I let out an upset growl. He flipped me onto my back and began pulling my underwear down. I wanted to stop him but I let him pull them off. My bulge reached out, trying to find something to latch onto. Dave let it wrap around his non dominant hand. It felt almost heavenly. I couldn’t help but arch my back at the feeling. Dave was on his knees at this point and using his dominate hand he started rubbing the outer walls of my nook. I just about blacked out at the amount of pleasure pulsing through my body. This is so not fair. I wanted more and it was driving me insane. I grabbed one of his hands and dug my nails into the skin. This was SO not fair. He wouldn’t let up no matter how hard I pierced his skin. I felt like I was about to reach some kind of God like state when he stopped. It was like about to reach heaven only to be dragged down to hell. He loomed over me and planted a gentle kiss on my cheek. HOW FUCKING DARE HE BE SO CUTESY WHEN I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS DOWN HERE!

“not yet babe” I wanted to rip his throat out. THIS IS SO NOT FAIR! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS DAVE? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME UNIVERSE? I just want to fuck this stoic asshole. RIGHT. NOW.

* * *

 

Maybe I’m being as asshole but he really shouldn’t cum so soon. Especially without me. I run my hand through his pitch black hair and gently touch his right horn. He lets out a yelp and whimpers a bit. I begin rubbing the base and he starts to purr like a kitten. A kitten I want to fuck. What is this? I never really messed with trolls’ horns, seeing as I never paid attention to them. The more I rub the louder the purrs become. I lean down and shove my tongue down his throat.

“MMHNG” he kissed back hungrily. He began to claw my shoulder, trying to get anything other than horn rubbing and kissing. I place my member at his nook entrance and slowly enter. Karkat tensed a bit but didn’t panic. I waited for him just in case but that only seemed to piss him off. He dug his nails deep into my shoulders. I slid in more and his nook seemed to welcome each inch. It felt like it was swallowing me whole. I was able to get completely in without incident. I was pressed flush against him. His nails had moved from my shoulders to my back. He was clawing them gently but was adding more force with each minute that passed without any movement. I wasn’t going to let my little troll wait longer than need be. I slid out gently and slipped back in. He let out a gasp and his eyes shut tight. His back arched a bit and his hips rocked a bit, wanting more. I started off with a soft rhythm. He let out soft gasps and moans. He bit his lip.

“(m-more. Do it harder.)” I was not going to disappoint. I picked up my rhythm and his moans got louder. He started calling for more and I complied. At this point, I was at a perfect rhythm for both I and Karkat. I could feel myself getting close and from what I was gathering from Karkat’s gasps and groans, he was close too. I began to piston. Karkat was losing his shit. His nails were raking down my back. I could feel blood trickling down my sides. They would stop bleeding soon though so, I didn’t worry about it. Karkat was just below his peak so I slammed into him and he let out scream to signal his orgasm. I followed almost immediately after. I sunk my teeth into his shoulder to try and muffle my own orgasm. It was like looking Jesus in the face and he French kissed you. It was like fireworks exploding my brain. I slumped over Karkat’s heaving body. We laid there for a bit, breathing heavily. My chest felt heavy like a fucking dragon lusus was sitting on it. There was a moment of where my whole body felt like it was being electrocuted. The good kind of electrocuted. I think there is a better way of explaining this. But close as it gets it felt like a raking shock throughout my body, filling it with numbing pleasure. I could feel every muscle in my body relax. We were laying on the shit tile for what seemed like eternity. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. My heartbeat was slowing to a normal pace. Dave lifted himself from me, causing a shudder from the lack of heat. He looked me in the eyes and kissed me sweetly. It was like a scene from a romcom and my brain felt like grub sauce. He kissed my forehead before smiling sweetly at me.

“hey im going to pull out ok”

“Y-YEAH.” He began to pull himself out and there was a small spark of pleasure as he did so. He gently kissed my neck where he bit me. I was able to get my head leveled and then realized what really just transpired here. I USED THE FUCKING TOILET FOR WHAT ITS NAMED FOR. WITH DAVE FUCKING STRIDER AT THAT. WHAT. THE. FUCK, HAPPENED. TO. ME? I felt like I was on fire. Strangely not with rage, but shock and depression. Dave was sitting on his ass in front of me while my legs were still spread, I suppose he could see the look on my face because he pulled me up from the shit tile and gently placed me on his lap. I buried my face into his shoulder and could feel tears swelling up in my eye sockets. I sob gently into Dave’s arm. He just rubs my back, not saying anything. After my crying session, I look him in his stupid stoic cute face. I want to punch him in the mouth. With my mouth. Gently. So I do. Pretty sure that “punch” is actually called a kiss. But I’m in no mental state for logical thought other than loud screaming. “WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK HAPPENED TO ME? WHY DID WE DO THAT AGAIN? NOT THAT I’M COMPLAINING BUT IT SEEMS LIKE I WAS MORE LIKE A TROLL WENCH THAN A MAN! I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF ANYMORE!” He continues this way for a while. I just let him go on. He was really confused about what happened even though he was there and it happened to him. It didn’t make any sense to try and stop him. His eyes were beginning to droop. His voice was becoming quieter, his speech began to slur like he was shit faced like Roxy on a good day. His head dropped a bit. He was exhausted and really needed to sleep. I pulled him back to me and he rested his head on my shoulder, still complaining to himself. After a bit he fell quiet, asleep. His breath came in ragged at first due to his screaming but slowed to a normal pace. He nuzzled himself closer and continued to lightly snore. I dozed off a bit myself before some shit went down.

* * *

 

The two dumbasses who decided to actually go through with my plan (no matter how sarcastic it was) have been in there for four hours. I think it’s time to check on them and by check on them I mean BUST them. And if they are laying on the ground sobbing, I am going to laugh my eyes out and smell the delicious tears coming from their eye sockets. I make my way over to the fucking toilet as it called by Karkat and anyone who has eaten here more than once. (People actually pick up on his lingo. They never do mine, just his. Is it because he’s so loud?) I slink around the hallway near the family bathroom. I press my nose to the door to see behind it. I smell tears of the Karkat kind, sweet as cherries. But no Dave. >:[ I gently wiggle the door handle and find it is unlock. What do you know? The perfect opportunity for some sweet action. I swing the door open full force so they are aware of my presence.

“WHAT THE TAINT CHAFFING FUCK?” Karkat was sitting on Dave’s lap, facing him. His face is stained from his excessive crying. I can practically smell the cherry syrup coming off of them.

“SO YOU D1D DO SOM3TH1NG! WH4T DO YOU KNOW? 1 D1DN’T TH1NK YOU H4D TH3 H34RT!”

“fight me”

“M4YB3 L4T3R, WH3N YOU 4R3 YOU KNOW FULLY CLOTH3D.”

“GET OFF!”

“uh you are on top”

“FUCK. SHUT UP! NOT YOU! I MEANT PYROPE AND I MEANT TO SAY GET OUT!”

“W4S TH4T ON3 OF YOUR 3ROT1C SL1PS OF TH3 TOUNG3?”

“NOT. FUCKING. NOW. TEREZI.”

“yeah he is having an emotional crisis rn can you come back like never”

“SHOVE IT, STRIDER!”

“where”

“DON’T YOU M34N STR4DL3R?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT!”

“ON3 L4ST TH1NG (ugh) K4RK4T. 1 GR4NT YOUR W1SH. (WHAT.) YOU’R3 F1R3D.” Out of nowhere, a naked body comes in contact in mine. I know it’s Karkat, I know these contours well. I also had to comfort him during emotional crisis, it got deep sometimes. TOO deep. But moving along. I can hear what sounds to be cheers and screaming. I think my ears are bleeding. I also think he is running naked. I’m not sure but it’s a good thing we closed already. Or else everyone out there would be horrified (whore bible pffft) SHUT UP AUTHORS! (FIGHT US!) Alright, let’s go! (Shit.) I’ll bring the juice. (We Mcfucked up.) Maybe you should stop inserting yourselves. (Sounds like a plan.) Thank you! Moving along. I can’t smell Dave anymore. I think he went after Karkat. It seems he brought their clothes, I can’t get even the faintest hint of their cherry sauce. That’s unfortunate. As I walk past the window, I spy from the corner of my nose, a wild juggalo asshole peering in.

“mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs”

THE END FUCKERS

The authors would like to formally apologize for this shit storm that came to be because Burger King. We are the worst. We are so, so not sorry. We hope you accept this apology.


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